Best Sarcastic Quotes
) If you are cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?
Unknown
) If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Groucho Marx
) I'm sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
Unknown
) The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
) You know there's just one more thing to do after you crack a joke⦠Tickle the other person!
Unknown
) I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde
Good Sarcastic Quotes
) It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
Voltaire
) There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
James Holt McGavran
) Don't be humble⦠you're not that great.
Golda Meir
) Love is in the air. Do not breathe.
Unknown
) Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
) Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
) You're not that lucky, and I'm not that desperate!
Unknown
) Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are all greater.
Albert Einstein
) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
) I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
Clarence Darrow
) If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
Believe in Sarcasm Books
Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships
) Marry someone who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Unknown
) Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx
) True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.
Unknown
) I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Patrick Murray
) If you want to change the world, do it while you're single. Once you're married, you can't even change the TV Channel.
Unknown
) As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right, or you can be happy.
Ralphie May
) Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her, or she'll take it anyway.
Joey Adams
Sarcastic Quotes on Boyfriends and Girlfriends
) 81% of boys have girlfriends, rest 19% have a brain.
Unknown
) Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
) Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?
Unknown
) Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck
) My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven't found her yet.
Unknown
) Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
Cecilia Egan
Sarcastic Quotes on Life
) I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
) I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.
Unknown
) Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Alfred Hitchcock
) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Steven Wright
) Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen.
Unknown
) Love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.
Unknown
) If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
) If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don't want to give off the wrong impression.
Standard Booklets
) If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
Unknown
) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
) A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
Sarcasm 101: SNL Vintage Video
) If I had just one hour left to live, I'd spend it in Math classā¦it never ends.
Unknown
) Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Oscar Wilde
) Behind every successful person, there's a lot of unsuccessful years.
Unknown
) The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
Natalie Wood
) Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
Unknown
) Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Robin Williams
) History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Abba Eban
Sarcastic Love And Hate Quotes
) I think Iām a love triangle. I love myself. Myself loves me. Me loves I.
Unknown
) Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Oscar Levant
) You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
Unknown
) If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
Charlie Pierce
) The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw
) Everyone has the right to be stupid. But you're abusing the privilege.
Unknown
) I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober, and you will still be ugly.
Sir Winston Churchill
) I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop
) Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford
) You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes are closed.
Standard Booklets
) He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde
) WAITā¦I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Unknown
) Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
Ashleigh Brilliant
) Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone⦠I realized I can do so much without you.
Standard Booklets
) If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
) I love you more than I originally planned to.
Unknown
) You can't face the problem if the problem is your face.
PewDiePie
Funny Sarcastic Quotes
) Just because the voices only talk to me doesn't mean you should get all jealous. You're just a little too crazy for their taste.
Standard Booklets
) A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
Elbert Hubbard
) He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker
) See this hand? It's going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.
Unknown
) Marry me, and I'll never look at another horse!
Groucho Marx
) You are so lucky to have me.
Unknown
) I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
) Tell me⦠Is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?
Unknown
) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
Unknown
) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carrey
Heavy Sarcasm
) You can be whatever you want; however, in your case, you should probably aim low.
Unknown
) I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Sam Kinison
) An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Sir Winston Churchill
) Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Mark Twain
) I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
) I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don't want to see your ugly mug every day.
Believe in Sarcasm Books
) Don't worry about hurting my feelings because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.
Unknown
Short Sarcastic Quotes
) My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Unknown
) My life feels like a test I didn't study for.
Unknown
) If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Unknown
) Sorry for the awful but accurate things I said about you.
Unknown
) Are you always stupid or is today a special occasion?
Unknown
) Donāt piss me off! Iām running out of places to hide the bodies.
Unknown
) The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
Unknown
) My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then, we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
) When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Unknown
) It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Unknown
) The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
Unknown
) I failed math so many times in school I can't even count.
Unknown
) Does my wife think Iām a control freak? I havenāt decided yet.
Stewart Francis
) A perfectionist walked into a bar⦠apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.
Unknown
) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But itās still on the list.
Unknown
) Going to church doesnāt make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Unknown
) I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
) If I agreed with you weād both be wrong.
Unknown
) If you think nobody cares if youāre alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Unknown
) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Unknown
) Well, aren't you just a little ray of pitch blackness?
Unknown
) I'm returning your nose. I found it in my business.
Unknown
) Feed your own ego, I'm busy.
Unknown
Really Funny Sarcastic Quotes
) If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Unknown
) I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
Unknown
) Zombies eat brains. You're safe.
Unknown
) Me? Sarcastic? Never?
Unknown
) Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Unknown
) Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
Unknown
) I want you to know someone cares. Not me. But, someone cares.
Unknown
) You're deeply offended by the things I say? Imagine all the stuff I hold back.
Unknown
What is Sarcasm?
A.) My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
B.) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
C.) Youāre never too old to learn something stupid.
D.) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
E.) Experience is what you get when you didnāt get what you wanted.
How To Use These Sarcastic Quotes
All these sarcastic quotes can help you in many different ways. For instance, the quotes on life will help you to understand the difficulties of life and laugh while understanding them.
How to Respond to Sarcasm
⢠Ignore it. If the humor didn't go over big, don't feed the fire.
⢠Smile and acknowledge the humor. You might win a friend in the process.
⢠Walk away. End the argument before it starts.
You be the judge. You'll know the situation, the context, and the parties involved (usually). So, you'll be in the best position to decide on the appropriate response.
By Liz Olson
Liz is a writer based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
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