I am a horrible person: New Baby Edition
I flaked out on a friend's new-baby acknowledgment... for two months! Exactly how much of a transgression is this, and what (if anything) can I do to mitigate the damage?
The friend in question is a grad-school buddy with whom I was once medium-close, and with whom I've since been in touch on a once-a-year-phonecall basis. I was totally excited when she let me know about her pregnancy, and had this cool idea for a neat handmade baby-name gift I was going to send... and then, what with the baby arriving in the middle of a super-busy work period, and various unexpected problems with materials and design, I guess I let the perfect become the enemy of the good, as they say. I've certainly been thinking fondly of her the whole time, cooing over all the baby pictures online, and working steadfastly on finishing the wretched gift (which should have taken all of four hours, were it not for my own ADHD-having, overbooked, super-disorganized ways)-- but as matters stand it's still sitting half-completed in the middle of my workbench, and I woke up in a cold sweat last night with the realization that it had been TWO WHOLE MONTHS with nary a word from me of any sort about the baby.
At this point, the guilt and avoidance is getting to be a problem in its own right, so here's my question: just how bad is this? And what's to be done at this point? The friend in question has had some exposure in the past to my general problems with lateness in responding, so I doubt she's surprised, but still... eesh. Have I crossed some sort of deadline where it's no longer possible to send the ordinary congratulations? Should I-- can I-- do anything extra to make up for the lateness? Can this semi-friendship be saved?
I'd say send a card and whatever you originally wanted to send. She's probably so sleep deprived she has no idea what day it is anyway.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:02 PM on June 16, 2022 [14 favorites]
call her. congratulate her. talk about baby. tell her you've been working on the gift, and it will come soon. then finish said gift and send it!
posted by sabh at 1:02 PM on June 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
Dude, just finish the gift and send it with a card that says, "Sorry I ran a bit behind- little Marcellus is such a wonderful addition to your family!"
Maybe do it this weekend.
I promise- your friend has a newborn and she has not given your lack of a card or gift a second thought. She's lucky if she has second thoughts right now.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 1:02 PM on June 16, 2022 [15 favorites]
It's not bad at all. Your friend hasn't had time to think about you for two months. Spend the two hours to complete it this week, then drop her a nice note of congratulations and ask if she's settled enough to receive visitors, because if she is, you're coming over and you're bringing dinner.
posted by IanMorr at 1:03 PM on June 16, 2022 [3 favorites]
It depends on your friend. I had a baby 10 months ago and I have a couple of friends who still haven't seen him (one lives about a 15-minute walk from here). It happens. I know that my friends still have lives. I look forward to catching up with them when we all have a chance to get together, and I certainly don't have any hard feelings. Time flies, it's a fact.
Also what the others said - your friend doesn't know what day it is. She would love to hear from you, I'll bet.
posted by rubbish bin night at 1:04 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
call her, all she wants is to talk to an adult!
Since you say your friend knows your problems with lateness in responding...while you've waited kind of long to give your congrats on the baby I don't think you're in that bad of a situation. I would go ahead and finish making your gift at soon as possible. And then send it with a heart felt note apologizing for the tardiness and explaining how busy you've been with work but say that this is no excuse. Then follow up with a phone call shortly after you know she's received the gift. I think this will be enough. If you guys talked on the phone all the time and you hung out more often but then lost contact for two months right after she had the baby then maybe you'd have a lot to be worried about. But you guys aren't in that close of contact to begin with since you say you only talk on the phone once a year. She'll forgive you. It'll all work out. Just get that gift out to her and follow up. Hope this helps.
posted by ljs30 at 1:07 PM on June 16, 2022
Relax. Breathe. You are not a bad friend. Since your friend has a two month old, they have other more pressing concerns, like a dire need for sleep.
Frogive yourself if you need to and finish the gift. the call your friend and give her the gift that she will realy appreciate: time with another adult.
posted by Verdant at 1:12 PM on June 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
The first big wave of congrats is over---but the baby is doing new fascinating things everyday that the parents are dying to talk about!
Your interest isn't late---it's right on time!
posted by vitabellosi at 1:13 PM on June 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Don't wake up in a cold sweat over stuff like this! I know its easier said than done but seriously it isn't a bad thing. Get the gift finished, write a little note and post it.
I guess someone in your past has made a big deal over small stuff and it has stuck with you. Your last two questions are super OTT! Grab a beer and chill out :0)
posted by aqueousdan at 1:15 PM on June 16, 2022
Drop her a nice note of congratulations and ask if she's settled enough to receive visitors, because if she is, you're coming over and you're bringing dinner.
This. Bringing dinner to new parents will make up for just about anything.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:16 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
This isn't a big deal. I mean, it isn't ideal, but she's your friend. She'll understand a simple explanation that time got away from you and you were busy.
It's never too late to congratulate someone and wish them well. Get on it!
posted by inturnaround at 1:25 PM on June 16, 2022
It's a baby gift from a friend who calls once a year. My wife and I are expecting a little one in the near future, and we have plenty of people asking about the baby-to-be, giving us baby things, etc. I expect we'll continue to receive baby gifts for a while after the baby is born (because babies are cute, baby things are cute, buying gifts for people is nice, so buying baby gifts is great -- at least, that's what I've seen from other friends with new babies).
Don't freak out, relax. Everyone likes gifts, no matter when they come. Just make sure it's large enough for a slightly older than just-born baby.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:28 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
Aw crap, that reminds me. The toy I crocheted for my baby nephew has been sitting on an end table for three months now.
I bet your friend isn't even expecting a baby gift, and will be thrilled with both your consideration and the thing you're making. Call or send a card now with your congratulations, and mention that you're working on a gift but it's taking a little longer than you thought.
(Doesn't sound like it's clothing, but if it is, make it for at least a six-month-old anyway. New parents get a lot of newborn-sized stuff that they can only use for a couple months, because tiny babies grow fast!)
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:38 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's not that bad. Call your friend. Send the gift. Send a six-month outfit if you are so inclined. While unpacking baby clothes for baby #2 this past weekend I noted once again that we have three times as many "newborn" clothes as "3 month" clothes, because people LOVE getting teeny newborn stuff!
She is not keeping track (I mean, other than to write TY notes), especially from more-distant friends. The initial frenzy has worn off, she'll probably be delighted to talk to you now that there's less interest. Just say, "It was super-busy at work and I kept spacing out on calling -- but you've been busier than SIX of me, how are YOU doing?"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:18 PM on June 16, 2022 [1 favorite]
I don't think I got baby gifts from anyone but family and local, see-them-once-a-week friends, but the little dude is 7 months old and I'd still think that a gift was very sweet. I can guarantee that she's not keeping score though, especially with a handmade gift.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:26 PM on June 16, 2022
My family has a reputation for being so late to get people wedding presents that they usually end up getting them baby presents instead.
Tell her what you told us in your askme. I think we've all been in this boat in some way or another.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:27 PM on June 16, 2022
Haha, am I your friend? I had a baby two months ago and have been cocooned in a haze of sleep deprivation and baby, baby, baby. We got so many gifts and so many people from all corners of our lives wanting to meet the kiddo, that I still haven't caught up on thank you cards, baby announcements or responding to people who want to visit. When I have time to dwell on something other than the baby, it is worrying that I haven't gotten those things done.
posted by pluckysparrow at 3:01 PM on June 16, 2022
Better late than never. If you don't actually say anything, she has no way of knowing that you've been thinking good thoughts all this time. So write her a note and maybe send a small gift along with it, and mention that you've got something that you would like to give to her the next time you see her, which you hope will be fairly soon. But you need to write that note, stat.
Next time, just write the note and get it over with, then create the 1/12 scale Taj Mahal in chewing-gum or whatever. That way, the perfect won't become the enemy of the good.
posted by tel3path at 3:18 PM on June 16, 2022
write the note asap. also, this is just about the time that all the newborn help starts to fall off, so maybe send her a little special something--a CD, an audiobook, a DVD, some small token.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:54 PM on June 16, 2022
What others above have said is true. If you've only been in the habit of getting in contact every now and then, I can almost guarantee that she won't be thinking any bad thoughts about you at all. Seriously. She'll love hearing from you and be thrilled with a gift. She's your friend and you're hers! It will all be fine.
posted by h00py at 5:18 AM on June 17, 2022
I HAVE a two month old right now, and I can assure you that I have no secret mental list of who I've heard from or not. If I were to hear from you now, with or without a gift, I'd be nothing but delighted.
Oh, and there are a few people I keeping thinking I need to call about having had a baby, and I feel really badly that I haven't, so it's possible she's feeling the same way.
posted by robinpME at 8:28 AM on June 17, 2022
Related Questions
“I believe Congratulations is the word you’re looking for.” Words I never imagined I would hear from my husband more than once.
You’re getting married… Congratulations! Buying a new home… Congratulations. You got a new job… Congratulations!
A simple enough word expressing good wishes on a special occasion. Having a baby… CONGRATULATIONS! It comes so easily, right? You’re having your second baby… Congratulations (obviously you’re trying for the gender you don’t have).
15 letters. 5 syllables. 1 word.
You are expecting your third baby… your fourth baby… your fifth baby… Uh, , um, yeah.
This is where my sweet, sensitive, loving husband comes in. Whether to family, friends, neighbors, or complete strangers, when they hear we are expecting (GASP!) our fifth child, he kindly tells them, “I believe congratulations is the word you’re looking for.”
When we were married almost 11 years ago and started our life together we knew we wanted a big family. We never hid this fact. And as our family grew, our hearts did too. There were times I worried or wondered if I had enough love to give each of our children. My husband and I talked often about this in the early years. We were extremely committed to making absolutely certain that each of our children felt wanted and loved and belong to a family that honors, appreciates, and values them and their unique, amazing, specialness!
Earlier this year, my husband and I were ecstatic excited to find out we were expecting our fifth child.
That excitement gave way to worry and angst as it became clear that other people had some sort of problem or discomfort with it.
We have heard it all.
You know how this happens right? Really? You’re hands aren’t full enough right now huh? How will you pay for college? Oh my goodness. Why? That’s crazy! You’re a glutton for punishment. There should be a law against having that many kids. Good luck… Good… luck…
I wish they didn’t hurt. But they do.
So be careful with your words. Your opinions on family planning or college savings or the fullness of my hands are simply not welcome or appreciated.
Congratulations is the only word you are looking for.
Congratulations
This is the most common and suitable expression to congratulate someone. It is a word that goes back to the 15th century. It comes from the Latin congratulationem made up of cum (together) and gratulari (to show joy). For that reason, it expresses the desire to share in the joy and achievements of someone. Some prefer to use the abbreviated and more informal congrats.
I am so happy you have achieved your goal in such a great way. Congratulations!
Congratulations on your beautiful new daughter!
Felicitations
This expression is more formal and a little less widespread. It comes from the Latin felicitare (to make happy) and appeared in the singular in the 18th century. In the 19th century it was very popular, but nowadays it is used very little.
I offer you my felicitations on your speech.
I should express my felicitations on your marriage.
Three Cheers
The term cheers goes back to the late 12th century or early 13th century. It is derived from the Greek kára which means “head.” In the United Kingdom, cheers can also be used as a toast or to mean “thank you.” The term was probably born in the nautical world, as Daniel Defoe states in Captain Singleton : “We gave them a cheer, as the seamen call it.” The number three, in this expression, indicates emphasis. This is an informal way to congratulate someone.
Three cheers for your newborn baby!
Three cheers for Manchester Football Club’s great victory!
Kudos
As an actor, he has earned a certain amount of kudos.
Kudos to the writer for creating such a wonderful story.
Other Expressions
The expressions that follow are other common phrases used to congratulate someone.
Well done!
Good job!
You did it!
Good on you!
That’s the way!
Fantastic!
I’m impressed!
What a wonderful talk. I was impressed!
You graduated! You did it!
I knew you could do it. Well done!
These are some of the most popular expressions used to congratulate someone in English.
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General Congratulations Messages
Sometimes you want to do more than send a congratulation text message. If you're thinking about sending well-wishes congratulating someone for success, explore the following message ideas:
• Congratulations! I couldn't be happier for you.
• I'm so proud of you. You did what everyone thought couldn't be done. Congratulations!
• You deserve every good thing that's about to come your way. I'm so proud of all of your hard work.
• Hard work really does pay off. Look at you go. Congratulations!
New Home Congratulations Messages
Purchasing a new home is always an exciting time. If someone in your life has made a home purchase come true, you can send a personalized congratulations card. Welcome the new homeowners with a congratulations message like the examples below:
• I hope the new house is everything you dreamed it would be.
• I can't wait to see your new guest room. Congrats on the new place!
• I hope your new home brings years of wonderful memories with your family and friends. Congratulations!
• May every room be filled with love and laughter. Congratulations on your new home.
• Your new house is perfect. I'm so happy you were able to find the home of your dreams!
• Congratulations on your new house! I can't wait to see it.
Wedding Well Wishes
A simple congratulations message might suffice for a couple you don't know well, but you likely know other couples reasonably well for most weddings you attend. Adding a heartfelt or humorous message for the couple is a great way to send them off into married life. Discover the following ideas to help you write your congratulations card for the occasion:
• Congratulations to one of my favorite couples! I can't wait to see what the future has in store for you two.
• Congratulations on your special day. I hope the future brings you years of happiness and love.
• You two make this thing called love look easy. I'm so happy that you found one another.
• Thank you for including me on your special day. It's an honor to share it with you.
• Isn't it crazy that in this great big world, the two of you found each other? I'm so happy for both of you. Congratulations!
• You two are a great example of what love should be. I'm so glad that you found each other.
• I hope that your marriage is full of the love and laughter you share today.
Pregnancy and New Baby Congratulations
Pregnancy and the announcement of a new baby are beautiful occasions to celebrate. Offering your support and some humor and love with a congratulations message is a great way to make new parents feel supported.
• You're about to experience the most wonderful thing ever. I'm so happy for you! Congratulations on the new baby.
• Your world is about to change in the best way. Congratulations on the arrival of your sweet baby.
• Here's to a future filled with smiles, messes, and everything else that comes with being a parent.
• Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Remember, if you need anything, I'm only a text message or phone call away.
• The world got a lot sweeter thanks to you. Here's to a future filled with love and smiles. Congratulations on your new addition.
Congratulations Wishes for Graduation
Whether it's a graduation from high school or college, sending a message of congratulations is a great way to show a young person in your life how proud you are of all the individual has achieved. The following congratulation greetings message samples can help you select the appropriate words:
• Congrats to my special grad! I'm so proud of you.
• Congratulations on your graduation! Here's to a future filled with happiness.
• I know how difficult this journey was for you at times. I'm so proud of you for sticking through it to the end.
• Education is such an important key to success. Congratulations on your graduation.
• I knew you could do it!
• All of your dedication and hard work has finally paid off. Congrats!
Congratulations on the New Job
Whether you have a co-worker who has found a dream job elsewhere or a friend who has landed a desired gig, sending a congratulations message will help celebrate this new, exciting chapter of life. Consider the following ideas for a congratulations message for success inspiration:
• I'm so happy you got the job you've always wanted. Cheers to your success!
• I'll miss you here, but they're lucky to be gaining you as part of their team. Congratulations!
• Wishing you all the luck in the world. Congrats on the new job.
How to Add Personality to Your Card
You can always opt for a card with a message of congratulations already printed. If you go this route, you can easily add some personality with the following techniques:
• Add any of the following with an exclamation for a fun way to tell someone how proud you are.
• Exclamations: hooray, whoo-hoo, yippee.
• Adjectives: amazing, impressive, awesome, wonderful.
• Gestures: here's to you, cheers.
• You can also add the following words or phrases: nice work, nice job, high five, way to go, you're terrific, well done, you're an inspiration.
Always sign your card with a thoughtful closing to show your sincerity. You can choose from one of the following or create your own.
• With love.
• Good luck to you.
• All the best.
• Sincerely.
• Warm regards.
• Love always.
• Congratulations.
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